Based largely on my own experiences and inspired by my various partners through whom I have developed and grown. I owe them all a deep debt of gratitude, especially Subgirl, Vildkat, BlueBird and Tigermis. Through the challenges they have put me through I have learned more than I could ever have on my own, and as such they have all been significant contributors to my development.
A symbiotic relationship
My basic view of a d/s relationship is that it is, and must be, a symbiotic relationship.
A circular give and take where both parties are focused on fulfilling the counterpart’s needs and desires, each within their own role either as the dominant or as the submissive part.
If each role in a d/s relationship gets pleasure and a feeling that the role’s special needs are recognized and covered, then the relationship is truly symbiotic. The relationship will then give each one a feeling of being with a person with whom one can truly be deeply intimate, a partner who can give you that rare strength that comes from exposing his/hers weaknesses and each part in the relationship is feeling that they are embraced and accepted.
To my belief it has less to do about control and much more about communication and mental intimacy.
Having both power and responsibility
The dominant is the one who has power, at the same time he is also responsible for his submissive partner.
You know the term: “With great powers comes great responsibility”, and this is also very true here.
This means that he is responsible for her wellbeing, for making her happy, to please her in a way that benefits them both and for her pleasures and here I do not just mean sexually.
He must know what makes her happy and do his utmost to achieve just that for her. He must help her improve and thereby help her achieve her goals and dreams.
He should not try to shape her into his own version of how she should be, but instead help her to flourish into the complete and wonderful woman she has the potential to be.
Communication, respect and trust is key
He knows what is best for her and what she wants because they have an open and direct form of communication in their relationship. As the dominant, he/she must always respect the advice and views of his/her submissive partner. At the same time the submissive must always recognize, that even though she can and should lift any issues, concerns and/or request she might have, the final decision on these matters rest solely on the dominant. It is assumed that the dominant primarily makes his/her decisions based on logical conclusions from what is right to do, and as such in both their interest, and does not follow his/hers ego or his/hers feelings alone.
If a dominant hurt his Submissive partner, then submissive partner should always be able to tell that to the dominant in an informative way that is not emotionally charged. With his submissive partner, the dominant must always be openminded about how his/her actions are perceived and give her feedback in a way that enables her to correct this and to grow as both a submissive partner and a person
If the relationship is to function properly, both must respect the counterpart enough to not be attacked verbally or physically or expect to be attacked verbally or physically for neither actions nor attitudes.
When relationships of this nature break apart and partners split up, it is almost always due to a lack of proper communication. The dominant must be strong and confident enough to accept and admit when making a mistake and seek to remedy this in time.
Although the dominant is the governing, guiding and the ruling party, he is not a mythical god and therefore not infallible. If therefore, as assumed, respect and trust in each other exist on both sides, a mistake should be relatively easy to move forward from.
The dominant has and maintains control, not in the form of fear, but by building and maintaining the submissive’s desire to obey and submit. Basically, he/she has the power and uses it to make the submissive partner’s life more complete and happier, not by exploiting his/her.
The dominant is the communications officer
The dominant must in every conversation and potential arguments act as the leader of the conversation more than just the decision-maker. By leading the submissive through a balanced conversation / discussion also in areas that the particular submissive does not immediately want to face, he/she will be able to come to the decisions is right for her.
It is not uncommon for the dominant, because he knows his sub very well, to recognize things that his sub cannot see or is perhaps not willing to face yet. When de submissive makes her decision, the dominant partner will support the submissive partner in the chosen decision and, through appropriate motivation, ensure that the submissive adheres to that decision.
Encouraging the submissive
The submissive must obey the dominant partner and endeavor to please him/her for the sole reason that it makes the submissive happy (this implies that the submissive trusts the dominant and a very good level of respects exist between the partners). The dominant will encourage the submissive to be the best he/she can be and help him/her achieve his/her goals, therefore he/she will also be motivated to do what it takes for him/her to achieve the set goals. This pleases the dominant partner and that is what the submissive wants. When a good, trusting and open communication exist, the submissive can at any time raise problems and issues in the relationship, for example about what her dominant says to her or something he asks her to do. The submissive must be able to express his/her feelings and thoughts on every problem and issue and trust that her/her dominant partner will always makes a fair decision.
Because the dominant accepts his/her submissive partner in full, also the part of him/her that is hidden and always seek to protect protects her, she will slowly but surely strengthen the side of her personality and over time will no longer see it as a weakness or a fault in herself.
Mutual accept, respect and communication are the keys to the D / s relationship’s existence. Good two-way communication, as with all close relationships is what leads the path to that acceptance.
That form of openness that is in a d/s relationship is what in my opinion is lacking in many ‘normal’ marriages. Openness by continually expressing one’s feelings and thoughts to a partner who is committed to building a strong base of intimacy between the parties and acts in every way disarmingly on the counterpart.
Mental vs physical intimacy
Mental intimacy is much stronger than physical intimacy when building emotional bonds.
It is probably the reason why relationships over social media and other internet-based media like e-mail, that exist over a long period of time can be very intense and move forward very strongly relative to primarily physical conditions, precisely because they are communicating constructively all the time.
Mental intimacy creates a stronger degree of physical intimacy which most marriages unfortunately are barred from having to the same degree. In a ‘normal‘marriage, there may be more of a territorial struggle for the will of the individual parties, why each partner is not as open and protects vulnerabilities in fear of giving something the other can use against you. When the fight continues in this way, communication and openness fall to the ground along with the close intimacy, if it was present in the first place.
Look out for the fear based dominant
It is a common misconception that a relationship of d/s is a relationship based solely on control, meaning that the dominant governs and controls only for the purpose of guiding and controlling and that he is not really concerned about the well-being of his partner at all levels.
If that is what is experienced, it could be that the dominant is so uncertain about himself that he is shielding his inexperience behind a façade. He feels it is necessary to demonstrate his power by having control of everything – and often uses fear as a tool for gaining control, his shield.
With such a dominant, the submissive will obey only because she fears what her dominant might do to her. Many believe that it is what it means to be submissive.
From my chair It is not (!!)
– a dominant should not control through fear, but by promoting the submissive’s desire to submit through respect for his/her partner, through commitment, empathy and personal authority instead of just the formal authority.
Be mindful of the balance or the submissive suffers
Fear-based domination is an expression of weakness, and it will always give a strong imbalance in the relationship, for the submissive gives and gives to his/her dominant obeying his every command but does not get anything in return from her dominant partner.
What she craves the most is appreciation, recognition, security and attention.
If she is the only one who is giving in this relationship, or if she feels she is giving more than she needs in return to feel appreciated, she will in the end, wither and die in the frustration of not being good enough – If she does everything to please her dominant partner and she is not recognized for this in a way that the Dominant partner naturally is given the desire to give her what she needs, she will see it as her fault despite that this is solely the dominant partners fault.
If this happens to the submissive, it will end in a vicious spiral that the submissive cannot break out before she is completely exhausted emotionally
The dominant responsibility here is to be strong enough to recognize his error in time and save the balance in the relationship.
It is his responsibility as well as his duty.
Master of Empathy